Anthony DeLorenzo - Ice Hockey Player from Greenlawn, NY

Ever since I was a kid I knew something was different. It wasn't that at the time I thought I was different. I felt out of place. I just always knew my story and life would be so far off everyone else's path. I always thought it was a bad thing... I mean I lived in a basement apartment with my mom for most of my life. Granted my grandparents were upstairs but it just didn't feel right, everyone else had nice big houses, a nice big family, and what felt like they didn't have to worry about anything. I know this doesn't seem to be much about hockey yet but it affected my game in ways I didn't understand and still don't. I grew up with no father. He passed away sometime in my life, but he didn't try to see me, be there for me or anything and when he died I still cried, but that was my motivation. Him not being there for me made me want to succeed with hockey so much more. Don’t take this the wrong way because my grandfather means the world to me, but when my grandfather used to show up to events like father’s day party in school and when we made arts and crafts for our dads but mine either said mommy or grandpa on it, it hurt to see and read everyone else’s. When he passed away I was dealing with a lot of stuff at home. I stayed in my room, I ate, I slept, and I went to practice, I tried everything not to go to school and see people who used to torment me, make me feel like garbage and push me around. I felt angry at the world. I am a religious guy and God means a lot to me, and whether you believe in him or not, I was angry with him. I couldn’t understand why God would punish someone so young, especially when I would pray, wear a cross and a Christ head around my neck. All that I felt from people was pity, which I did not want, but I knew deep down that it was the only thing I have allowed anyone to feel for me. In my mind, I had not done anything to make them proud or happy with me. It should’ve pushed me to do better, but I was weak at the time. I was allowing it to push me further down into a deep hole called depression. This was the first time I knew I was truly depressed, and at such a young age, it was horrible to realize. I thought I was the reason for all of it. I felt like it was my fault. The one place I felt happiest was the rink, but I couldn't even bring myself to go there most nights. I started opening up about how I felt. It started by texting one of my good friends when I would sneak up to the laundry room in the middle of the night and text him on my flip phone. He got me excited to play again, which made me play so much better. I started scoring goals and getting assists, but most of all, I was happy and having fun. My coach might say I was having too much fun at times as he had to drag me back a couple of times when I got too excited and stuff, but that changed nothing of my game, and that's how it was for a while. Everything seemed to change back when stepdad passed away, however. He who would constantly tell me that I wasn't good enough and would always try to tear down my dreams. I started to get into these moods where all I wanted to do was sleep, eat, and be upset. He constantly made me feel like nothing, but my mom seemed happy so I tried to stay strong for the woman who stayed strong for me my whole life. This repeated feeling of nothing slowly ate away at me because I knew that I was being emotionally abused by this man. I wanted to run away some nights. I wanted to be far away from him. This is when I started looking into boarding schools, but when he died I have no idea what happened. Life fell apart for everyone. People were arguing and I had this feeling of anger that never went away. Trying to get good grades, play hockey, and keep everyone together during this time was exhausting, but I tried my best. My biggest mistake during this was thinking once something bad happened, there was no way of saving it. I started acting out, being mean to people who cared, and fighting with teachers who were only trying to help. When the hockey season came back around though I started to get in my own head. I would pick up on things I did one game where sometimes it felt like luck, and I would try copying it the next expecting the same. You might think there's nothing wrong with superstition but this was extreme. I would get so upset even after a win sometimes just because I felt I should have done more. This feeling of constantly not feeling good enough spread from hockey into my everyday life as well. I began ruining relationships with people that I cared the most about and this destructive behavior carried over into hockey. I started to realize that my behavior all came back to my fear of not being good enough. I'm so afraid of not being successful and obsessed with proving people who doubt me wrong, that I end up doing exactly what they want and ultimately failing. It makes me sad on a daily basis sometimes looking back, just because I know I’m better than what I showed. I am starting to realize that I not only need to stop living in the past because it is the root of my depression, but I also need to stop living in the future because it gives me crippling anxiety. What I am working on is focusing on the present because you can’t go back in time as much as you might want to, not yet at least. For every second that passes is one second you can’t get back so I need to start living again. I struggle with this today because I want success so bad that I sometimes forget the conversation that I had in the laundry room that made me happy to play hockey, live life, mess up and also do great things at the same time. A good friend of mine told me a couple of days ago that sharing my story and writing about what I feel will help me feel relief and it has done just that. I hope this has helped at least one person come out and share their story because as I wrote this I realize how much this has helped me. I would love to thank my loving Mother and my grandparents because they'd do anything for me and have made this struggle so much better for me as I go through this. I would like to thank my former and current coaches for helping me through my ups and downs in not only my hockey career but life as well. Lastly, I would like to thank my current teammates at the Winchendon school, because of you guys I found a brotherhood I will cherish for the rest of my life and a couple of my “brothers” from the great Long Island for keeping me in check and helping me fight my struggles by having a good time. Thank you for reading, Anthony “DeLo” DeLorenzo